umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
