I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
