I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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