god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
