OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
