I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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