The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
