I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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