I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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