I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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