I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
