Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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