I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
