I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
