It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
