Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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