I'm lost and stupid without you.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
