Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So much rum. So many feels.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
