If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
