Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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