it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
