She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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