Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
