i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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