it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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