worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
