i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
