Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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