So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
