you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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