I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
