I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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