Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
