Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
