Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
