After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Your shirt... Was in my pants
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
