ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
