I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
