So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
