i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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