Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize