My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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