Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
