Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
