My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
