Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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