Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
People in love make me want to vomit
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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