Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
