Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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