dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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