dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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