If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
